TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THAT NEW TEAMMATE OF YOURS MAY BE A ROOKIE: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. He wonders when "Nap Time" is...
9. He thinks being sent down to Las Vegas is a GOOD thing...
8. He thinks "Road Trips" means traveling via bus...
7. Everyone mispronounces his last name and he won't say anything about it.
6. He thinks preseason games have an "awfully high intesnity level"...
5. You find him duct-taped to his locker after practice...
4. He thinks Coach is a "Pretty good guy!".
3. He actually follows curfew...
2. He freezes up every time he's interviewed and says "Uhhhh... ummmm... uhhhh...".
1. He keeps asking "CAN I DRIVE THE ZAMBONI? CAN I? HUH? CAN I PLEASE?!!!"...
TOP TEN COOL USES FOR ZAMBONI'S: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. Tie rookies up and drag them around the rink.
9. Chasing squirrels around the arena parking lot after practice!
8. Get a couple of them and DRAG!...
7. Doin' donuts at the face-off circles...
6. "Just wait until the next time Coach makes me mad!"...
5. "Aw Coach, I was just doing my Jeff Gordon impression!'.
4. Scaring the heck out of ice-level broadcasters and analysts!
3. "I just need it to smooth off my lake at home!"...
2. Provides a moving target for slap-shot practice.
1. CAN YOU SAY "ZAMBONI GIRL"?!!!!!! :-)


TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE GIFTS TO GIVE A HOCKEY GOALIE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON: (author unknown)
10. SPF 30 sunscreen, for that annoying back of the neck burn.
9. For the significant other on your list, here's one that won't cost you a penny: After the game, you can "tend to his/her equipment", if you know what I mean.
8. Chia Pet (hey, everyone loves chia pets).
7. Ice packs, Ice packs, and more ice packs.
6. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in three easy steps" (endorsed by Mike Keenan)
5. Dominic Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."
4. Blaine Lacher's newest instructional video: "Riding the Pine with Style"
3. A contract with a real NHL team, instead of an IHL or a contract in hockey hell (Curtis Joesph only)
2. Clothing that brings out the color of bruises.
1. Gift certificate for mental health services.


TOP TEN ADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER: (author unknown)
10. Halloween costume? No problem!
9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
8. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
6. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".
4. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie".
3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
1. Two Words: Bigger Stick.
TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER: (author unknown)
10. Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.
9. Letting those beach balls in.
8. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration"
7. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
6. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
5. Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.
4. Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man
3. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
2. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
1. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.


TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU JUST LET THAT ONE IN: (author unknown)
10. Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate
9. Tried to read the "Vulcanised" label on the side
8. Slipped on this damn ice; someone should get some salt on that!
7. Was still laughing at that last top ten list.
6. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
5. Sun got in my eyes.
4. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
3. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
2. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!.
1. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!.

TOP ELEVEN REASONS WHY HOCKEY IS STARTING TO CATCH ON IN TEXAS: (Jeffrio)

11. Did you see the Cowboys' record this year?
10. Discounted tickets for people who don't bathe.
9. They're finally starting to get sick of watching reruns of "Dallas."
8. They don't call any icing or offsides so the Texans can understand the game.
7. Tom Hicks bought them a pretty good team.
6. All the wetbacks on their way to Oklahoma looking for work need a way to kill time.
5. Roger Staubach gave it his blessing.
4. They started serving chili and Lone Star at Reunion Arena.
3. High school football only runs from September through December.
2. Found out it's fun to watch a sport where the players aren't always getting arrested.
1. Due to visa problems, Paul Stewart isn't allowed in Texas.



TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF HOCKEY GOALTENDERS: (author unknown)
10. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
9. Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
8. Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
7. T-shirts that say, "Goaltenders do it with their glove hand".
6. Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
5. Frostbite caused by leg split.
4. When trainer replaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folger's Crystals.
3. Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp".
2. Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (Said like it's spelled)
1. When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!".

TOP TEN ANNYOING THINGS ABOUT PLAYING IN BUFFALO: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. New-Jersey-Devil-Wannabe Uniforms.
9. Nickname doesn't exactly strike fear into opponents hearts...
8. Play doesn't strike fear into opponents hearts either!
7. Get nauseous watching Hasek play in goal.
6. Fans get nauseous watching you play...
5. Having to duck at flying swords on "Sabre Giveaway Night".
4. Playing in an arena with the word "Marine" in its name.
3. Crowds are so quiet you can hear Niagara Falls during games.
2. "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA... PAT LAFONTAINE WITH THE GOAL!!!!!!!"...
1. You keep looking up at the big scoreboard, just in case it falls again...
TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX: (author unknown)
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 min.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.



Speaking of the Buffalo Sabres: What about Sabres winger Miroslov Satan? Shouldn't he be a New Jersey Devil?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY BE IN FOR THE LONG HAUL IN THE MINORS: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. Minors Coach tells you to tutor a couple of rookies over next couple of seasons...
9. Mike Keenan is coach or GM in your parent club.
8. Team considers your input on changing team's uniforms important.
7. You've been Team Captain in the minors for the last 5 years.
6. Front Office says they are looking forward to the time you can become coach after your
playing days are over in a few seasons.
5. Minors Coach says you are too valuable a player to send up...
4. Your name is Brent Fedyk...
3. You've seen some of your ex-teammates' kids come up through the minors.
2. Team decides to change its nickname to the "Fighting (YOUR LAST NAME)'s!".
1. Team decides to name their arena after you, since you've spent so much time there...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEAM'S FANS MAY BE OUT OF HAND: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. You are in Madison Square Garden.
9. Your home fans cheer when the other team scores.
8. A couple fans are stumbling around demanding to see Gary Bettman.
7. Mosh pit starts between periods...
6. Fans are booing the Pee-Wee games between periods.
5. Fights in the crowd are starting over "What the Zamboni driver's name is!".
4. Fans boo the 3 Stars of the Game...
3. Fans start holding up signs saying "Will stop pucks for Beer!"...
2. Half your Team Fan Club was arrested for trying to beat up a little old lady wearing an opponents' team jersey.
1. It's "Beer for a Nickel" night at the arena...

TOP TEN GRIPES OF PLAYING UNDER MIKE KEENAN: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. Don't mind referring to him as "Your excellency", but having to kiss his ring...
9. Locks you alone in rooms for hours on end in order to "psych" you up for games...
8. Decides to trade you, then doesn't, only to go through with it next day, then back off...
7. "He makes more money than our Franchise Player!".
6. Practice sessions and skate-arounds with live explosions and ammunition fired...
5. You want to shove some of that ice he chews down his freaking throat...
4. He trades away 3 of your friends and all your pads for an Orangutan and 4 bananas...
3. Drafts a forward from Mongolia in the 1st Round...
2. Being sent down to the IHL or AHL is starting to look really appealing...
1. He decides nobody deserves the Captaincy, so he gives himself the "C"...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOUSEHOLD NAME-RECOGNITION IS LOW: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. Even announcers refer to you as "That guy with that wicked name".
9. Getting put on the Disabled List gets you the most publicity.
8. Your agent says "SHOW ME YOUR I.D.!", when you say "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!".
7. Team trainers won't let you into practice unless you get Coach.
6. You fail to show up to practice and nobody notices...
5. You play for the LA Kings...
4. You've been traded for 25 lbs. of Strawberries and a fruit to-be-named-later.
3. Coach keeps calling you "Skippy" because he doesn't remember your real name.
2. Goalies keep mistaking you as the equipment manager.
1. You are sent down to the minors and nobody notices.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEAMS NEW UNIFORMS AREN'T THE BEST: (Rik A. Kyser)
10. Fans start chanting "WE WANT FISH-STICKS!!!"
9. Your new primary colors are Mauve and Forest Green.
8. Fans say "You look as good as the Colorado Avalanche!".
7. Your new logo is a big ring of targets on your chests...
6. A little kid sees you and says "LOOK MA, BARNEY!!!".
5. Another kid says you look like the Power Rangers...
4. You long to be traded to the Sharks or Kings.
3. New uniforms designed by Calvin Klein.
2. Your new nickname is the Cheifs.
1. All local media blinded after unveiling of new "sporty" team uniforms at press conference.

TOP ELEVEN THINGS CHRIS CHELIOS LIKES ABOUT PLAYING IN DETROIT: (Jeffrio)

11. Detroit's high murder rate makes watching the news much more fun.
10. No longer has to play in the shadow of Doug Zmolek.
9. Will have an excuse to get a divorce after Shanny bangs his wife.
8. The Detroit River isn't nearly as polluted as the Chicago River.
7. New boss: free-spending pizza baron; old boss: penny-pinching drunk.
6. Michigan won't extradite him on those kiddie-porn charges.
5. With Larionov, Murphy, and Macoun around, he feels like a kid again.
4. Chili restaurant health inspectors are much easier to bribe.
3. Way more green-teethed women.
2. With this bunch of candy-asses he actually looks like a tough guy again.
1. The Red Wings don't suck anywhere near as bad as the Blackhawks do.

TOP ELEVEN THINGS CAROLINIANS DUE INSTEAD OF WATCHING HOCKEY: (Jeffrio)

11. Enter tobacco spitting contests.
10. Visit Michael Jordon's hometown.
9. Watch their Hee-Haw tape collection.
8. Argue over whether Dale Earnhardt is better than Mark Martin.
7. Abuse tourists heading from New England to Florida.
6. Have sex with relatives.
5. Drive around in a futile search for Mayberry.
4. Chase revenuers away from their stills.
3. Brush their tooth.
2. Brag about their college basketball teams.
1. Compare tattoo infections.

TOP ELEVEN WAYS SCOTTY BOWMAN SPENT TIME WHILE HEALING: (Jeffrio)

11. Reading up on hair-restoration techniques.
10. Practicing berating players in Russian.
9. Scratching Toe Blake's name out of the records books and writing his in.
8. Eating steak and laughing at his doctors.
7. Keeping his wife away from Brendan Shanahan.
6. Calling all his former employers and asking if they were still glad they fired him.
5. (Insert your own Vladimir Konstantinov joke here. In a fit of misguided self-righteousness, we swore off making fun of him.)
4. Two words: Jack Daniel's.
3. Calling Marc Crawford with phony job offers.
2. Praying to God to protect Mike Ilitch and his fat wallet.
1. Plenty of work with his elbow and wrist (in private).

TOP ELEVEN THINGS GRANT FUHR SAYS TO WINGS PLAYERS: (Jeffrio)

11. "I was winning games before you could read, Maltby. Oh, never mind, you still can't read."
10. "Won't be seeing any octopi today, will we boys?"
9. "I've won almost as many Cups as your whole team put together."
8. "He shoots! He doesn't score!"
7. "I would have stopped that shot from the red line in '96."
6. "Stay away from my wife, Shanny."
5. "Want me to get you guys some tee times for next week?"
4. "Not bad for a guy who's washed up, eh?"
3. "Cry me a river you damn baby."
2. "Uh, is it Hockeytown or Murdertown?"
1. "You like apples? I stopped you cold. How 'bout them apples?"

TOP ELEVEN THINGS ON CLAUDE LEMIEUX'S "TO DO BEFORE THE PLAYOFF'S" LIST: (Jeffrio)

11. Get a bigger, stronger, thicker face-shield.
10. Practice speed skating/running away.
9. Make sure his wife is safe when Detroit, and Brendan Shanahan, are in town.
8. Remove the target from the back of his sweater.
7. Work on his diving techniques.
6. Mail out the referees' bribes.
5. Take Jeff Odgers, Francois Leroux, Warren Rychel, and Adam Deadmarsh out to dinner.
4. Pick out golf courses to play while suspended.
3. Prepare responses for when the media points out what a coward he is.
2. Sharpen his sticks.
1. Work on positioning, especially hiding behind the linesmen when someone is after him.

TOP ELEVEN REASONS WHY THE FLYERS HIRED ROGER NEILSON AS HEAD COACH: (Jeffrio)

11. Wanted a new coach in place before Eric Lindros recovered from his concussion.
10. Because of all those Stanley Cups Neilson won as a coach.
9. Got a kickback from Pepto-Bismol because they knew Jimmy Roberts' intake would go up.
8. Saw how much new coaches have helped Tampa Bay, Vancouver, and Florida.
7. Wayne Cashman was spending too much time partying with Jeffio.
6. Bobby Clarke wanted Neilson to teach him how to program his VCR.
5. Thought Neilson would make a better scapegoat than Cashman after this year's playoff flop.
4. It was Neilson's turn to be recycled.
3. Anyone who learned his trade under Orval Tessier and Bob Pulford has to be a genius.
2. Everybody wants Neilson's hairdressing secrets.
1. Part of a league-wide plan to have Neilson coach every team at least once.

TOP TWELVE COMMENTS OVERHEARD AT THE NHL ALL STAR GAME: (Jim Hunstein)

12. "What we need is an All Slash Hackey Game where all those cheap-shot assholes can kill each other."
11. "Dude, I'm trippin'! The puck has a blue tail!"
10. "These goofy helmets make us look like Devo."
9. "The good thing about Fox coverage is that they don't put so much emphasis on actual live goals."
8. "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Oh, sorry. N-A! N-A!
7. "Hey, World Team! INS is here looking for green cards!"
6. "Think even Ty Gretzky could take Lindros?"
5. "Explain again why it's the National Hockey League when it's played in two countries by guys from all over the world."
4. "Just think how hard MacInnis could hit it if he had a healthy shoulder."
3. "I hear the Olympic groupies are even easier than All-Star groupies."
2. "The great thing about the ref-cam is you can tell how often (and how far) they have their head up their asses."
1. "Thank God I bet the over."

TOP TWELVE MOVIES NOW SHOWING AT THE BLUES CINEPLEX: (Rick Hunstein)

12. Bye Bye Bergevin
11. Last Of The MacInnis
10. Taking Of Pellerin 1-2-3
9. Butch Poeschek And The Sundance Kid
8. Torch Song Turgeon
7. Like Campbell For Chocolate
6. Persson In The Springtime
5. Midnight Conroy
4. Texas Chainsaw McAlpine
3. No Better Blues
2. Sargeant York
1. Pronger's Big Adventure

TOP TWELVE SONGS ON THE BLUES CD: (Rick Hunstein)

12. Bat Out Of Hull
11. Folsom Persson Blues
10. Inna Gadda Da Kravchuk
9. Akuna Matteau-Ta
8. Courtnall California
7. Like A Campbell In The Wind
6. (Looks Like We Got Us A) Conroy
5. Petrovicky Don~t Lose That Number
4. Parsley, Sage, Momesso, and Thyme
3. If Loving You Is Pronger, I Don~t Want To Be Right
2. Like A Turgeon
1. Twist & Shout
(Ghost Track: Murphyritaville)

TOP TWELVE LEAST POPULAR ITEMS AT THE BLUENOTE SPORTS SHOP: (Rick Hunstein)

12. "Commitment" motivational poster featuring Wayne Gretzky in a Blues sweater
11. Book of dental X-rays
10. Bernie Federko's Favorite Tofu Recipes
9. Tapes of Ron Jacober's greatest hits
8. Giant ball of used tape from the 1980s
7. Any Blues sweater with red in it (not really unpopular, but it ought to be)
6. Mystery Grab Bag -- stuff found in Mike Peluso's hair
5. Mike Keenan's L'il Dictator Kit
4. Actual tiles from the Arena's men's room floor
3. $20 six-packs
2. Box o' Teeth
1. Glenn Hall autographed barf bags (slightly used)

TOP TWELVE WAYS TO PRONOUNCE QUENNEVILLE: (Rick Hunstein)

12. Coupe de Ville
11. Cruella de Ville
10. Queen Latifa
9. Chamomile
8. Keenan Evil
7. Clavicle
6. Ken'l Ration
5. Killing Field
4. Guacamole
3. Cunnilingual
2. Guinivere
1. Evil Knievel


Descriptions of Team Postions
TEAM COACH
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
TEAM CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God
ASSISTANT CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is granted
DEFENSEMAN
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
FORWARD
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
ROOKIE
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
REFEREE
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the Choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
GOALIE
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)
He is God


The Player's Psalm
by Loralyn Bemis
The coach is my shepherd
I shall not get penalized
He maketh me to do skating drills
My captian leadeth me into games
He restoreth my faith
He leadeth me into the path of winning games for the team's sake
Yea though I face the wrath of the coach
I will fear no evil
for my stick is with me
my pads and my helmet they comfort me
They preparest game situations for me
In the presance of my rivals
They annointest my body with sweat
My water bottle runneth over
Surely stats and games shall follow me for all the days of my career
And I will dwell on winning the stanly cup forever

The Goaltender's Psalm
by anonymous
The puck is my shephard;
I shall not ice.
It maketh me save in unnatural positions;
It leadeth me into leg splits;
It restoreth my fans' faith;
It leadeth me in the paths of odd-man rushes.
Yea, though I skate in the valley of the
shadow of the net,
I will fear no sniper;
For my stick is with me;
My facemask and pads they comfort me;
They annointeth my body with SportsCreme;
My back-up tippeth over!
Surely coaches and trainers shall follow me
All the games of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Montreal Forum
forever.


HOCKEY TERMS CANADIANS SHOULD KNOW


Wraparound--Visors worn by Europeans which piss off Don Cherry

Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game

Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench

Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw

Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes

Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs

PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players

Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter

Pass-- See Offside

Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded"

Jock-- Scot who enjoys a wee dram before, during and after game

Boarding-- What a new player to town does until after having his first team party

Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents

Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability

Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time

Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living

Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net

#@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season

Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos

Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so owner can feel important

Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to opening of training camp

Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coach's Corner

Gross Misconduct-- The sometimes carryings on of very rich role models

Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials

Instant Replay-- New electronic means to prove on-ice officials' incompetence

Predators (1)-- ANOTHER damned Yankee team....from Peoria, or Portland, or....

Predators (2)-- Agents

Original Six-- Pre-inflation case of Red Cap ale; now called a Two-Four

Puck-- Nickname for the millionaire who sold Gretsky to millionaire now in jail

Penalty Box-- Good place for TV closeups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other

After the Washington Capitals suffered an embarassing 7-0 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 1 of the 1999-00 first round playoffs, here's what Capital fans had to say about it:
htttp://www.capfans.com/
April 13 - Game 1 of the Playoffs: To say the Caps got spanked is to say we lost a few lives at Normandy. We sucked so bad, even the New York Rangers were heard to say, "Man, those guys sucked."
How ugly was it? Janet Reno's worthy of the cover of the SI Swimsuit Issue by comparison.
Sloppy? Like the Waco hostage negotiations.
Lopsided? Like Pamela Anderson Lee half way through her reduction surgery.
Pathetic? Like a Winger come-back tour.
Slow? Abe Polin could have skated faster.
Dispassionate? Worse than a love scene between Anne Heche and Michael Jackson.
Amateurish? Like a high school production of "Rent."
Disastrous? We got sympathy cards from Ethiopia.
Agonizing? Like a vasectomy with a butter knife.
Nauseating? Like watching Roseanne Bar at an all-you-can-eat-grits buffet.
Uninspired? Like Al Gore on smack.
Annoying? Like an Old Navy commercial marathon.
So, we blew it. No matter the score, we're still only down one game. We must rally! We must press onward!
We must pray!

TOP ELEVEN KEVIN STEVENS PICKUP LINES: (A. Juan Cramer)
11. Baby, you got game! And I got five hundred bucks.
10. Hi, I'm Wayne Gretzky.
9. You got the Vezina trophy I'm after.
8. Sweets, how much for ten minutes of misconduct?
7. Hey, let me show what we mean by "icing."
6. Wanna meet little Lord Stanley?
5. I'm not like the others. I won't say a thing about goin' five-hole (but I'm thinking it).
4. That's right, I'm a friend of Jeffio's.
3. I swear they changed that rule, princess. Now I can be in the crease anytime I want.
2. Are those all your real teeth?
1. I might be excited to meet you, or I might have a rolled up Game Night Revue in my pocket.

TOP ELEVEN REASONS THE FLORIDA PANTHERS ARE FOR SALE: (Richard Norris)

11. Losing too much money trying to keep the ice frozen in South Florida. Everyone keeps stealing it for mixed drinks out under the palm trees.
10. Owner Wayne Huizenga already sold the Florida Marlins, and they won a World Championship. Why keep this dog?
9. Stock price concerns outrank the need to win the Stanley Cup. Thank goodness the Lauries don't share this mixed up priority.
8. The club that employs Pavol Bure is now concerned with escalating salaries and lack of a salary-cap.
7. Huizenga needs all the money he can get to keep Jimmy Johnson in hair gel and Dan Marino in Geratol.
6. Tired of hearing his team referred to as the Florida Pussys.
5. Signing free agent Ray Sheppard means Huizenga will have to wait to put a deposit down on that sixth South Florida mansion he's had his eye on.
4. 10,000 empty seats can't be wrong.
3. The average fan in South Florida dies quicker than they can be replaced.
2. "Cats on Ice" can only play off-Broadway for so long.
1. Actually, it's reported there are $175 million reasons.

TOP ELEVEN THINGS WORSE THAN PRONGER BREAKING HIS ANKLE: (Jeffrio)

11. Nuclear holocaust.
10. Going into battle and finding out your commander is Richard Simmons.
9. Going to the game with an Irishwoman, an Irishman, and a guy from goddamn Idaho.
8. Danny Quayle as President.
7. Harry York as the Blues top-line center.
6. Harry York dating your daughter.
5. The Montreal Canadiens.
4. Anything starring Oprah The Pig.
3. Jim Campbell as your designated driver.
2. The Fat Guy shaking sweat into your beer.
1. Jeffio in charge of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.


TOP ELEVEN REASONS WHY THE NHL SHOULD INCLUDE ARKANSAS IN THEIR FUTURE EXPANSION PLANS: (Richard Norris)
11. Chicken king Don Tyson needs a team to compete with "them Wal-Mart folks."
10. Excluding the U of A basketball team, there are no other professional sports to compete with.
9. Doug Gilmour could play in a state where sex with a 13 year old isn't frowned upon.
8. The ice in Little Rock couldn't be worse than in any of the other new arenas.
7. The addition of NHL players (even Marty McSorley) couldn't help but raise the average I.Q. in the state.
6. Like Nashville, toothless players and toothless fans make a great match.
5. It's not like any of Buttman's other choices have been real strokes of genius.
4. At least players would be paid in U.S. dollars.
3. The Arkansas Coon Hounds would be such a catchy name.
2. Just what the Blues and Red Wings need: another patsy in the Central Division.
1. Regardless of how bad the team is, it wouldn't be the most embarrassing thing to ever come out of the state.


TOP ELEVEN REASONS WHY HOCKEY IS SUPERIOR TO FOOTBALL: (Richard Norris)
11. When's the last time you saw a 100 m.p.h. football?
10. If he played football, coaches would probably make Tyson Nash a kicker.
9. Name just one decent fight in a football game, ever!
8. Who wants to watch guys who need a week between games to recover?
7. Too many boring names like Smith and Jones in the NFL.
6. Players carrying weapons are always more exciting.
5. In hockey, the last line of defense is always the goaltender. In football, many times the last line of defense is a pint-sized punter (although we have to admit it's fun to watch him get his ass run over).
4. Football players are so damn ugly they're all required to wear masks.
3. Ok, you tell me: Sudden-death playoff hockey or sudden-death playoff football?
2. You don't have to tolerate a dictatorial, know-it-all, commissioner who's dragging the quality of the product down. (Oops, scratch that).
1. Four incompetent guys in striped shirts are more than enough to have to endure.
TOP ELEVEN THINGS HEARD WHEN DOUGIE GILMOUR BECAME THE 20TH ALL-TIME LEADING GOAL SCORER: (Richard Norris)
11. "Another milestone for yet another ex-Blue."
10. "He's still not worth what we're paying him."
9. "Just goes to show what happens when you stick around till damn near your 60th birthday."
8. "Anybody seen my teeth? I've got an interview to do."
7. "It sure didn't hurt playing with Federko and Sutter for a few seasons."
6. "This would be more enjoyable if I weren't playing for this sorry-ass team!"
5. "If only I still scored as much off the ice."
4. "I'd be in 10th place if that cheap bastard Wirtz would just get us some real players around here."
3. "Bet the Blues, Leafs, and Devils are all wishing I still played for them."
2. "Any chance this will help us dump his overpaid ass by the trade deadline?"
1. "This would have happened sooner if they'd just let me count that score on the babysitter."

TOP ELEVEN OTHER WAYS THE NHL COULD AWARD LOSING TEAMS WITH ONE POINT: (Richard Stamp)
11. When losers don't whine about all the non-calls in the third period.
10. Their uniforms look cooler.
9. When the losing team threatens to hire Mike Keenan unless they get their point.
8. When their GM punches the opposing coach in the nose after the game.
7. When losing team outshoots, outhits, and outplays opponent.
6. When losing team's fans outdrink the other team's fans.
5. When Towel Boy decides to end it all and jumps over the rail.
4. Home team should get a point if the ice doesn't cause any pulled hamstrings or crazy bounces.
3. When the losing team's top goon actually succeeds in getting the winning team's top goon to drop his gloves and fight.
2. When they hit two goal posts in the same power play.
1. When the prettiest woman in the stands bares her breasts on the JumboTron.

TOP ELEVEN MARTY MCSORELY EXCUSES FOR THE SLASH ON DONALD BRASHEAR (Jeffrio)
11. "I wanted to show Tonya Harding how it's done."
10. "I've been seeing too much of McGwire, Sosa, and Griffey in the media."
9. "I wanted to see just how hard that boy's head really is."
8. "Spending those months playing with Jo-Jo Murphy really screwed me up."
7. "Hey, just playing a little 'old time hockey.' "
6. "I got a kickback from CCM for showing how tough their helmets are."
5. "A guy named 'Jeffio' bribed me because he wanted to get a guy named 'Frank Cusumano' to quit talking about basketball for just five minutes."
4. "I shouldn't have taken those pills Kevin Stevens gave me."
3. "They should never put a stick in the hands of an Irishman."
2. "I thought the league didn't care if I whacked people as long as I didn't call anyone a politically-incorrect name."
1. "Uhhhhh . . . I'm an idiot."

TOP ELEVEN THINGS THE LOS ANGELES KINGS LIKE ABOUT THEIR NEW BUILDING (Jeffrio)
11. Fans are much less surly when they don't get mugged in Inglewood before games.
10. Feel like it's a wonderful tribute to the great L.A. hockey fans -- all 237 of them.
9. Tommy Lasorda always seen stuffing his face at the new food courts.
8. Great place to watch the riots from.
7. Felt really bad that a team in a podunk city like St. Louis got to play in a monument to yuppies, but they didn't.
6. They haven't been swept in the playoffs in their new building -- yet.
5. No longer have to play in front of the ghost of Bob Berry.
4. Now get to treat fans to state-of-the-art disappointments.
3. The rats aren't any bigger than Al Morganti.
2. Tried for years, but couldn't get that outdoor rink to work in Southern California.
1. Figure they can't do any worse in a new building.

TOP ELEVEN OTHER RELIGOUS PROMOTIONS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE: (Jeffrio)
11. Hindu All You Can Eat Beef Streak Night
10. Spanish Inquisition Burn An Infidel At The Stake Night
9. Jehovah's Witness Pester Your Neighbor Night
8. Catholic Chug-A-Lug/Chuck-A-Luck Drinking And Gambling Night
7. Lutheran Wish We Were Still Really Catholics Night
6. See The Dalai Lama Naked Night
5. Irish Protestant Blow Up A Catholic Night
4. Jewish Everything Kosher Is Free Night
3. Southern Baptist No Drinking, No Smoking, No Dancing, No Music, And No Fun Night (Actually, we probably wouldn't like to see that one.)
2. Muslim Burn An Effigy Of A Great Satan (U.S.A.) Leader Night
1. Church Of Jeffio Nickel Beer/Two-Bit Whore Night
TOP ELEVEN THINGS BOB BASSEN HEARS DURING A GAME: (Richard Stamp)
11. "Don't mind this elbow, punk."
10. "How's a little guy like you hit so hard?"
9. "Does Ken Hitchcock really eat that much after every game?"
8. "Here comes a Scud!"
7. "Don't worry about 41. He ain't no threat to score."
6. "When you grow up, come back and see me."
5. "That's it! I've taken all the shit I'm gonna take from you. Let's go!"
4. "Do you have to teach Nash all your dirty tricks?"
3. "You'll stay down if you know what's good for you, Bassen."
2. "I'll be damned. You are head and shoulders above Theo."
1. Bells, what else?


TOP ELEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD IN THE BLUES LOCKER ROOM AFTER ALL STAR SELECTIONS WERE ANNOUNCED: (Jeffrio)

11. "I'm sure glad Hitchcock's not coaching again this year. This time we might get to eat some of the post-game buffet."
10. "I so hoppy!"
9. "Hey, Prongs, whack Numminen one for me, would ya?"
8. "Damn, Chaser, how did they overlook you again?"
7. "Don't blame me, I voted for Ross Perot."
6. "Shouldn't the French Canadians have to play for the World Team?"
5. "Say, Ellett, didn't you play in an All-Star game with Dit Clapper?"
4. "See if you can injure all three World goalies with your slapshot, Al."
3. "Cool, I wasn't selected. Now I can go to Jeffio's party that weekend."
2. "Hey, coach, watch out for radioactive waves bouncing off the plate in Bowman's head."
1. "Don't sweat it, Roman. The guys who pick these things are goddamn idiots."


TOP ELEVEN THINGS BRIAN SUTTER WILL SAY TO DARRYL AT CHRISTMAS: (Jeffrio)
11. "I've been kicking your ass for forty years, don't make me do it again."
10. "We may really suck, but at least we're better than Chicago."
9. "Hey, there's a new guy in Calgary who has a really good deal on teeth."
8. "Did you stop by and see Shauneequa last time you were in St. Louis?"
7. "You might have the last of our brothers, but I'll get the first of our sons."
6. "Give me Owen Nolan, Vinnie Damphousse, and Patrick Marleau, and I'd be in first place too."
5. "You think you're bad? We can go out behind the barn and settle this right now!"
4. "I've got steers on the farm that can skate better than most of my defensemen."
3. "We may suck, but we work really hard."
2. "Touch that last piece of ham and I'll carve your liver out."
1. "Well, sure, you've got millions of dollars and Dean Lombardi; I've got no money and Al Coates."